Stocking Stuffers...& That Wiggle and Squirm and May Be Hungry

Summary

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I forgot your birthday. Sorry. And I'm not your boyfriend, so I didn't do anything for you on Valentine's Day. And you're not my mom, so you didn't get anything from me in May, either.

I do have some holiday gifts for you. And I apologize for not having them ready by the big day. But understand, these are last-minute fill-ins because what I really wanted to get you didn't get here in time. See, I was counting on Fitzgerald to drop some new indictments by now, and I've been working on a gift of music I call "Federal Prison Blues," to be sung to the tune of Johnny Cash's "Folsom Prison Blues." You were supposed to get a big kick out of the mental image of Karl Rove in an orange jump suit and a guitar in his lap, singing it to his cellmate--a Mike Tyson-looking fellow, only with more tattoos.

Number 362, caught on camera as it foraged through the rain forest at night, is a cryptozoologist's dream come true: a new carnivorous mammal. We humans seem to have a warm spot in our hearts for mammals--largely because we are one, I suspect--and we are particularly excited by predators. Don't ask me why. Possibly it's because, no matter how sheepish and bovine we are in reality, we all secretly envy the meat eaters. Like, "Dude, if I just had some four-inch fangs and razor-sharp claws, I'd have to fight the babes off!"

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Stocking Stuffers...& That Wiggle and Squirm and May Be Hungry

I forgot your birthday. Sorry. And I'm not your boyfriend, so I didn't do anything for you on Valentine's Day. And you're not my mom, so you didn't get anything from me in May, either.

But I do have some holiday gifts for you. And I apologize for not having them ready by the big day. But understand, these are last-minute fi...

See the full content of this document

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